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Killing The Teenage

by Calamity Down

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1.
Speakerbox 05:17
Mumbler may be right But no one knows It is not heard Speakerbox is right And treading inepts Mumblers drowned out Tides of speakerbox Truth knows no boom Little mumbler Where is your voice Little mumbler Was this your choice Mumbler can’t cry help It is underneath Speakerboxes current Heard your loud dream Rotate in lotus Never heard the click There’s no debate With just one noise Crying Mumbler What did you say Trying mumbler What made you stray Mute no Mute has loud hands Mumbler speaks Is not heard Seen Not concerned Buried under the drone Of the speakerbox Mumbler calls to me Or I was told Speakerbox crashed here Mumbler the crater Speakerbox says its ok I must agree Mumbler say not else Lock in the signit Drown you mumbler I agree with volume Down you mumbler Theres no spirit to exhume.
2.
Fistless 05:19
Get up Young one The whole thing Is over you keep on Gripping when there is Nothing Cut my suspension Pummeled tension On the concrete Basement’s Limelight Black shirt Mountain Bones in My stomach I feel it It is time I never wanted To make it all end like this Give and take you know this Fistless boy is faking it Who should have given All that there is to invent When I flood out Will you m make my Stones in a circle so I can Be Alone You are Hopeless You are Helpless You are inside Cold leaf Recall Where are The eyestance Planted In dead shore I wish Its over Will you Please end me I never wanted To make it all end like this Give and take you know this Fistless boy is faking it Who should have given All that there is to invent Staring at a light Thanksgiving Day You Promised its over You promised its over I should have known So keep your word true keep your word true And hang from that light Keep your truth once Staring at the sun Salt in my eyes You promised its over You lied to my face I should have known I should have known Now keep your word And fade into air One time Again I see You stand there Just a Shadow The features They fade now And when I walk to The vision The message My hands They go up But you never Go down Not just in stories But when I Hear you You’re still Standing And I still Am I hiding What are you are
3.
4.
Want to see what’s on the inside Want to see what’s on the inside Let it flow, and take the ride Hidden floods in cyanides In cellars made of notes I write The bruising touch is what I like Every day I hate to survive With a clock that only rewinds Want to see whats on the inside I will to tell you about it In the burn pits of barbital Laying silent a lie is resting It will all be over soon enough I will to tell you about it In the burn pits of barbital Laying silent a lie is resting It will all be over soon enough Want to see whats on the inside Want to see what’s on the inside Make liquor crack open my sky Dry the marrow, make it right Can I make it out of alive Every day is an inquisition Until the hunt has gone inside Watch the clouds wish I’d die Want to see whats on the inside I will to tell you about it In the burn pits of barbital Laying silent a lie is resting It will all be over soon enough I will to tell you about it In the burn pits of barbital Laying silent a lie is resting It will all be over soon enough
5.
Drive around For a bit Cause you can’t Hold your shit Left lane Cruising When the sun feels Good on my skin In a pinch In the hit And I must be Good for it Cause your name Is in the news again Bombardier I’m so lost Cut the brake grip it dead tells it straight Eyes are down Coward pose Voice still good Better not Laugh about Going through Heavy times Will you stay In the dusty bed Nice that we could Have this chat A miracle we Stay on this road Just say the word And I’ll sink down low Call out the paper notorious mentions In the back pages I’ll tell you about it I’ll tell you about it Mass mount fingers In viper strike See all the purple Walk me through this Walk me through this Hallway chatter The proud yell Handshake carpets Don’t tell me about it Don’t tell me about it Early retirement In a crash zone Just fantasies Cowards don’t get Kick backs Tetra flare Myelin shot Stench of fog Purple stare Bit your tongue and lied through this Since you can’t Draw your fist No one wins When it comes to him We give up And I rot again Locked in The metal cabin’s breath Turning back But no clocks Dismantling Reverts to stone Mute curses I’m the coward Where are you You hide again That one time I called you out The words buried Under the Sun Nice that we could Have this chat A miracle we Stay on this road Just say the word And I’ll sink down low When I’m stuck my low focus point I’d rather be drowning I swear I knew it I swear I knew it threw it in the woods Film can green shots But will that stop you I’ll hide it outside Life in blindside I’m too young To know the jokes The laughing two Clenching insides Break my reprise Early retirement In a crash zone Just fantasies Cowards don’t get Kick backs I’m killing My teenage I rewrite my visage in the car Sold empty Cut from paper Lost the message Once an aura Now the drudge No loud chant Extract an end Call out the peasants Cut all the pissants In the back alleys I’ll tell you about it I’ll tell you about it My suicide has A celebrity endorsement A real good deal Walk me through this Walk me through this Take the curb Over the ridge Dream of airborne Don’t tell me about it Don’t tell me about it
6.
7.
Born in a lotus In the palms of blood Crossed by the pulpit You’ve Given this message And silenced at once No matter what you want from me The water you blessed Has given him pause He’s slow on the surface So leave him to drown In a house he will tarnish No matter what you want from me My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean You can’t free me No matter what you want from me My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean You can’t free me No matter what you want from me Hey Is this child going to wake Hey Preserve nails on the stake Hey Say it nice to his face Hey Then dig the cross into his back The lies we have planted Their roots grow deeper Who’s family is a hero Which patrons do we taint All the ivory is cracking No matter what you want from me The legends we tell them Are spilling with paint Red glossed in one sense Of sinning disdain The tape will keep secrets No matter what you want from me My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean I never get clean No matter what you expect of me My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean I never get clean No matter what you expect of me Hey Can it open its mortal side Hey A pleasant face my of lies Hey Writing checks as acts of love Hey Reunion made of blackened doves I let the sun burn me Just to cleanse it free The flakes fly away I am a new day I gardened the clean Only I will cleanse me I can not drain it out Refills in my house When I take the plunge Don’t play the victim To crude addendums You tried for my end A hall warm but alone I hear honest tones History inverts The elder holds my neck I welcome the release Please give this to me My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean I never get clean No matter what you expect My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean I never get clean No matter what you expect My knuckles are raw My eyes are slow I never get clean I never get clean No matter what you expect of me
8.
10 Hands 04:54
Feel the 10 light on concrete the 10 light on concrete I know she said ok don’t look don’t feel the same Feel the 10 light on concrete the 10 light on concrete I know she said ok don’t want to feel the same All the pressure In the drive seat To make escapes In a deathrow I need nothing I want a ghost To take it now. Laying down on the cement floor I wonder where it all went It’s fuzzy and I hit the door The noises come the outside Are you coming in? Keep the ten eyes upon me The ten eyes upon me you ask if I’m okay I don’t think you wish I’d stay Keep the ten eyes upon me The ten eyes upon me you ask if I’m okay All I want is for you to stay All the pressure In the love seat To make escapes In a deathrow I need nothing I want a ghost To fade it now. Laying down on the tile floor I wonder where I am gone It’s fuzzy and I hit the glass The swirl has burnt the inside I feel the rejection of my error Bring the ten glass inside me The ten glass inside me You said don’t deplete But I want this ending Bring the ten glass inside me The ten glass inside me You said don’t deplete Don’t stop this ending All the pressure In the ending To make escapes In a deathrow I want nothing I need a ghost To fade it now. I see you out there haze of smoke I lie and tell myself its normal This isn’t normal I am lost I am tired I want to go away You laugh in the distance He laughs in the distance I try to psyche it off I grab the light Lay ten hands upon me Ten hands upon me My introspect is slain I want to go away I lay ten hands upon me I lay ten hands upon me My introspect is slain Will you all go away All the pressure In the ending Look in shock Surrendering. I want nothing I need a ghost To fade it now.
9.
10.
Moving Day 11:47
I know I know I know I know I know I got yours, don’t get mine I’m finally allowed To breath tonight In the open air The Air I shrug off this dust The job is done I am never coming You are finally going The bed stays empty This smoke you play in Leaves me molten Looking out this window I become smaller As you drive away Yelling to walls I won’t hear it Volume flow through me I’m pierced beyond it The echo is slapping back This hand drags truth I can’t ground myths Charcoal grazes my wounds The callous makes me warm I embrace my burn marks I regret another holiday when I wouldn’t curse you I regret another car ride when I couldn’t beat you I regret this other chance to finally hurt you Nothing but my eyes My rain is heavy My skin is seizing I itch on the inside I’m filled with your sound Are you ever leaving It’s moving day And I’m feeling free The rooms are breathing The oxygen is coming You don’t recall much of this as true It’s not a big deal Why carry that weight Even when gone shadows lingers Reverb cuthroat Careless message You won’t believe What I tell you least in my mind Not just yet It’s moving day And I’m feeling lost The rooms are talking The air’s been poisoned If you won’t admit Much of this as true It dies. Poison stares at me But I seek antidotes Vagrant but clear blue Strip mined in untruths This will take time A hand reaches out I can’t hang on just yet pet the surface tension This takes more time You still live here Sleep echo is old But I’m ready to stare You only come in the dark Forms are unsure to me The room waits for me I throw my cap high I want to move on But you followed So I do it again You grow further away I regret another holiday when I wouldn’t curse you I regret another car ride when I couldn’t beat you I regret this other chance to finally hurt you Nothing but my eyes My rain is heavy My skin is seizing I itch on the inside I’m filled with your sound Are you ever leaving It’s moving day And I’m feeling free The rooms are breathing The oxygen is coming You don’t recall much of this as true It’s not a big deal Why carry that weight Even when gone shadows lingers Reverb cuthroat Careless message You won’t believe What I tell you least in my mind Not just yet It’s moving day And I’m feeling lost The rooms are talking The air’s been poisoned If you won’t admit Much of this as true It dies You don’t erase My inside is knots Ink stains everything Is my heart blackened How does this void Haunt like the stone And also give me A chance to sleep I draw a circle and say the prayer The sweat I’m giving It will help sever You sent a letter The rope is thinning I hid a last time The tie is breaking The bond is dead I float in the river It took some time But I’m never drowning I’ll take the stains And connect the scars When the sun is shining They become stars Moving day Cut into These boxes And unpack all the haunts line them up onto these shelf take them down play some time and then go into the trash and light it up light them up burn them down burn I regret another holiday when I wouldn’t curse you I regret another car ride when I couldn’t beat you I regret this other chance to finally hurt you Nothing but my eyes My rain is heavy My skin is seizing I itch on the inside I’m filled with your sound Are you ever leaving It’s moving day And I’m feeling free The rooms are breathing The oxygen is coming You don’t recall much of this as true It’s not a big deal Why carry that weight Even when gone shadows lingers Reverb cuthroat Careless message You won’t believe What I tell you least in my mind Not just yet It’s moving day I’m feeling lost The rooms are talking This air’s been poisoned Even if you hide your lies I live What do I do With all the clutter I pile it up Onto the curb And somebody can take it It’s no longer mine I take no ownership I’m finally home I sit amongst the four walls And I watch the sky I feel free I feel home And I feel safe I look next to you And the air is pure  
11.
It was like a dream No guil for what I said I’m okay with how this ends Delete this data point This royal house alone Just an entry errored phone And I still rake in better that way I still rake in better that way Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it tight Let it shine And Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it known Be it bright I won’t burn out What makes it better is when you fight yourself No stance you strike the sky In full bloom lotus nights I’ve seen you written down 1 dollar just out of spite And I still rake in better that way I still rake in better that way Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it tight Let it shine And Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it known Be it bright I won’t burn out We had a plan for you it was lovely I took your name and I crossed it out my shame rotted away I bit my own tongue There is no blood the gold inside You took those stories guilt free you will keep trying backdoors keep on knocking use her as a trojan horse and the photos I don’t want them The time you took in my head It makes my eyes burn red Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it tight Let it shine Next Time. Stay Down. When your threat gets tied Make it known Be it bright I won’t burn out Next Time. Stay Down. When my light cuts out You will know That its time And Next Time. Stay Down. There’s no curtain rise Wave goodnight until the night When she lays down

about

Killing the Teenage began conception over a decade ago. While sitting on a beach in California I heard the first idea for Speakerbox in my head, a lowly, reverb heavy, whisper of a song conveying a lot of pent up feelings I was carrying. I wrote most of the lyrics that day. I crudely sketched a head barely above water, it's mouth stitched shut which conveyed the energy this project was going to carry. It would be a little bit later before the name would find its way to me; poignant enough for me, and elusive enough for any listener.

Since then, Killing the Teenage has been a bit of a haunting specter, sporadically coming to the surface and demanding attention between creating other albums, podcasts, graduate school, life, learning new instruments, and self-confidence. It truly felt like I didn't want to complete this album, but rather it commanded it and forced itself into existence. We fought each other endlessly. In a way, I regret taking so long to bring this album to completion. Many of the feelings that are bottled here are resolved, healed, or accepted. The rawness that sparked Killing the Teenage has soothed. On the other hand, waiting so long let me become a better song writer, better lyricist, and be more objective in the story that was being written. Perspective was gained at the sacrifice of intensity.

On an artistic level, this has been a real joy to see come to completion, from shaping the lyrics to finding unique tones and sounds that capture the burying and mourning of a cruel seven years of anyone's life. While Killing the Teenage is about my version of adolescence, I think anyone can connect to the same sense of dread and challenge this time in our life brings.

On a technical level this album has been ruthless and unforgiving. I had to learn to record vocals correctly, or at least less bad. I had to learn how to better mix songs, balance them, and create something far more sonically harmonious than before. I was committed to moving beyond the sonic chaos I had relished in during the early part of my music writing; at least for the most part. I wanted songs to have beginnings, middles, and ends instead of eruptions, fits, and collapses. Most songs here only have three or four instruments. I wanted to keep things simpler and really hone in on better songsmithing. I think I did okay.

Killing the Teenage is dedicated to a younger me, and those who helped that younger me heal and move forward. I wish I could tell him how much better life will become.

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released September 17, 2023

Calamity Down: Music, vocals, lyrics, field recordings, and field recording recovery

Neil Struble: Mastering, guidance

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Calamity Down Peoria, Illinois

Experimental works. Sonic disasters.
Breaking Frequencies.

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